Speaking your truth
Thanks for the good thoughts. The last few months have been really up and down, health and emotions-wise, and now I know why. I have Hashimoto's!!! Not often do you hear of someone exhilerated to know they have an auto-immune disease, but I'm thinking "T3, T4, t-RIFFIC!" If you didn't know, Hashimoto's is a disease that attacks the thyroid and throws the T3 and T4 (hormone) balance out of whack. My doctor thinks I've probably had it for the last 3 or 4 years, with symptoms popping in and out--and some never occurring at all, which is why it was hard to pin down. Mine were joint and muscle pain (not sure yet how this corelates to the hip, if at all, but considering we've isolated the problem to the sacroiliac joint...), fatigue, forgetfulness, mild S.A.D., and an on-again/off-again/not enough to worry about (or so I thought) sore throat. If you want to read more, check this out. And if you're female, you probably should--Hashimoto's is scarily common in women and could be hereditary; my mother has it. But the good news is, it's very easily treated and there's a lot of information out there.
And of course, being an information worker, I went right to it. I lean towards natural medications if it's possible/makes sense, and so, as well as the sites telling me to cut back on coffee and chocolate intake (bummer!) I came across a site that discusses thyroid complaints and chakras. I kept running into the phrase "speak your truth." Normally, I don't have a problem with that. Well, hold on, that's not exactly true. On some things I do; others I've been known to keep secret for decades. In fact, my writing has the constant theme of what toll keeping secrets exacts on people, so I should just scratch that comment ;-)
But because of that, I was pretty much in the habit of saying what I thought--until I moved country and couldn't express myself clearly. Unbelievably frustrating! I also found myself in the situation where I thought something was going on in my absence, I just wasn't sure. But you should always listen to your gut, and last week I decided it was high time I told things the way I saw them. (Which makes it sound like it's a really, really bad thing but it's not--though out of respect to the people involved, I won't say more.)
And the weirdest thing happened. For several days, my throat had been so sore, I'd had trouble swallowing. The day I said what I was feeling, that stopped. And I stopped worrying about the situation, because what I'd needed to say was out there and no longer blocking me and once it's out there and you have no control, you start getting all zen and peaceful. At least, I do. It's as though you only have so much room inside you and once you let something go, it frees you up for the possibility of the new and exciting.
Which came in the form of this month's "O" magazine being all about being your authentic self, with lots and lots of great articles (including a feature on Molly Ivins. RIP, Molly, you always spoke your truth and made a lot of people laugh along the way). And also in the form of the old and comforting. I started to feel a real longing for something I haven't done in a while: cross-stitch. I love it, especially complicated feminine pieces. (Gives me an excuse to watch masses of TV, if I can cross-stitch at the same time ;-) ) Here's one I did a few years ago and which I really need to get out of my mother's garage:
And here's a pattern I bought off e-Bay and am going to start working on shortly:
I don't really like the background color, I might go for something lighter, but I can't wait to work with all the color on all the ribbons and bows and swirls--those little white dots you see on her skirt are beads, and I love working with beads.
Here's another eBay purchase I'm tickled pink about:
A t-shirt from Margaritaville that says "I am the woman to blame." You know, as in "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault." Works on so many levels, I'm positively gleeful.
So, I'm at times gleeful, at times calm. But best of all I'm healing and I'm free, with the knowledge that I'm responsible for letting joy into my life and letting go of situations that no longer bring me joy, while also feeling grateful for the value they brought to my life. I'm also glad for the knowledge that I'm not responsible for how others might feel and it's up to them to speak their own truth.
Leaving you with an excellent quote I found in "O":
Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
~ Fanny Brice
Labels: hashimoto's disease, margaritaville, speak your truth
